This is just a semi-friendly, short, little, pre-holiday party/hang-out PSA.
There’s this thing we humans do to each other for some reason, and we do it to each other a lot.
Well, most of you do it. I am a perfect gentleman who understands that we live in a day and age of consent, so I wouldn’t be caught dead doing this very behavior that drives me absolutely batshit crazy. It’s an act that is definitely in the top few of all my top pet peeves.
The thing I’m referring to, of course, is you (you being anyone at all) shoving your fucking device in my face and hitting play on some video you found on the internet (or that you recorded). And then… Expecting me to sit through the entire thing, very attentively, without ever asking if it’s actually something I want to do or see in that moment.
I have email.
I have Facebook.
I have Instagram.
I have text messages.
Tag me in the video. If I want to watch it, I’ll watch it.
Send me a link to the video. If I want to watch it, I’ll watch it.
Just don’t shove the damn thing in my face and sit there looking at me like a neglected and overly excited puppy who is so excited to show his owner the dead bird carcass he just discovered.
Harsh? Maybe. Here’s something even more harsh… I don’t care what the video is.
A hilarious dog jumping on the trampoline while howling in perfect tune to Hello Dolly…
Get that shit out of my face.
An epic moment where two people crash their cars into each other and it turns into the true love story of our generation…
Get that shit out of my face, too.
Definitely get that shit and the 20 minutes of my life they will require out of my face.
Do you know me at all? Why is that shit in front of my face AT ALL?
Upcoming movie previews…
A video of your kid doing the cutest thing ever…
You know what… I probably do want to watch it if I actually know your kid, but fucking ask me if I want to watch it before you force it upon me, and don’t even ask if it’s more than 90 seconds long.
A secret surveillance video of you starting in your pants and starting to cry about it…
Yeah, that one’s actually super okay. As long as it’s 30 seconds or less.
The point is, keep your videos out of my face, no matter how awesome those videos were to you.
I (like most people) have a personal bubble. It extends about two feet in every direction from me. When you stick something in my face and force me to keep that thing in my bubble (sometimes for several minutes), I literally want to snap your fingers that are holding that device in two the entire time the video is playing.
It should also be noted that when we are hanging out, I am there to hang out WITH YOU. I am not there to hang out with your devices.
I get enough internet when we aren’t together. I promise. I see enough videos when we aren’t together. I promise. Whatever awesome thing it is that you think I absolutely must see so crucially that you need to force its content into my life and mind right then and there… Send me a fucking link. I’ll get to it on my own time frame for getting to it.
When you just shove your device in my face without my consent, and hit play on some random video, I instantly won’t care (at all) about whatever it is you’re showing me. That’s a promise.
Instead, all I am going to do is nod my head, pretending to care. I am going to smile, pretending to like it. I am probably going to laugh a fake laugh, pretending your video was just as life changing for me as it was for you. That’s what I’ll be doing on the outside.
On the inside I am going to be frozen socially, anxiety-filled, and wishing I had super powers that could blast you a couple of blocks outside of my personal bubble with a quick wiggle of my suddenly tensed eyebrows.
“Oh c’mon Dan, where’s the holiday cheer?” I can literally hear some of you saying that through your computer screens right now.
Others of you are probably angry at me for writing this. You’re probably the most guilty ones out there. Why else would this blog post piss you off? To you, especially, let me say this… Stop sticking your videos in people’s faces.
Others of you are nodding your head, also definitely guilty, but pensive and ready to make a change in your device-thrusting lives. Follow through. Make it so.
Others of you are gathering up the mess you just made when you threw your hands in the air, knocked a bunch of stuff over on your desk, and yelled out, “YES! FINALLY SOMEONE HAD THE BALLS TO SAY IT!” To all of you, I’m glad you get it, but never just assume anyone has testicles. You just never know…
Anyway, like I said, this is a pre-holiday party/hang-out PSA. Very few of us will have time to scratch our own elbows between now and New Years. Most of us are going to force ourselves to go out and be social creatures and enjoy the season every chance we get. That means lots of get-togethers. That means lots of people. That also means lots of devices in the hands of lots of people who will be eager to shove their currently favorite video into the faces (and personal bubbles) of anyone who will watch and pretend to like it.
Don’t let that be you this year.
Dan Pearce | Dan Pearce Was Here