I love my dog, but holy shit do I hate her right now.
What did she do?
Absolutely nothing. She hasn’t caused any problems. She hasn’t chewed on anything or destroyed anything. She hasn’t had an accident in quite some time. She just wants to play and snuggle.
And holy shit do I hate her right now.
That’s part of my bipolar disorder, you know. I’m learning this. When the disorder triggers at its worst, I just want anyone I love gone out of my life.
I really don’t want to take care of a dog right now.
I don’t want to snuggle the damn thing.
I don’t want to force myself to get out of bed every time she has to pee.
I don’t want her looking at me with those big giant “just love me” eyes at a time when love is a threatening feeling to me.
Doesn’t she understand bipolar fucking disorder?
Doesn’t she get that when the disorder hits, I just want to be alone and pretend that I don’t exist in the world?
Doesn’t she know that every time she puts her fucking paw on me to get at least a little bit of attention that I hate her just a little bit more? Right now that’s true, anyway.
I love my dog. But right now I fucking hate her.
This is bipolar disorder. For me. I’m learning this. I knew this moment would come when I got her. I knew eventually I would trigger. I knew I would want to get rid of her the way I have gotten rid of every dog before her because for some strange reason I just needed them out of my life right then and there.
It’s kind of the same thing I’ve done to women I’ve loved.
It’s kind of the same thing I’ve done to opportunities I’ve had.
This is bipolar disorder. For me, anyway. I’m learning this. It’s how I eventually lose just about anyone and anything important to me.
Yep. This is my bipolar disorder.
I was only diagnosed with it this past summer. I’ve been wondering when my first big depression would hit. As I mentioned in my last post, it hit.
Knowledge is power, though. Once I learned why I do what I do, I can actually develop tools that will power me through to the other side because I know my cycles. I know my thoughts. I now know what I do and I know when I’m doing it.
Right now, I just absolutely fucking hate my dog. I honestly want her gone. I want to find her a new owner and be done with her forever. But… That’s not what I actually want. That’s what my disordered brain wants. I love this dog. I care about this dog. I’ve put a lot of time and work and money into this dog. I don’t actually want her gone, and even though my brain doesn’t know that right now, my brain fucking knows that.
So, I have had a plan in place just for this moment of brain disfunction, which experience has taught me only lasts a few days at a time…
I have to get rid of my dog.
Easy, there, Judgy McGee.
I just need to get rid of her for a few days until my brain pulls out of the nosedive it’s in.
Off to doggy daycare she goes, where she can play with other dogs while I reset my mental processes. She can be safe and immune from impulsive things my sometimes sick brain has shown it is obviously capable of doing in these moments.
I’m not getting rid of this dog. Not this dog. Not this time. Not Trixie.
Just like I’m not getting rid of the next person I love when the disorder hits.
Or the next big opportunity I have.
This is a disorder. Nothing more. There are tools to help me get through these moments, now that I actually know what I’m dealing with.
I’m not telling all of you this right now. I’m telling me this.
I’ve planned for this moment since I got her.
I’ve expected this moment since I got her.
I’ve prepared for this moment since I got her.
I’m a loving dog owner… When my brain is healthy. I’m a loving lover… When my brain is healthy. I’m an unstoppable force when I jump into opportunities… When my brain is healthy.
Again, I’m not telling any of you this right now. I’m telling me this. I have to say it to myself again and again. It’s part of the plan… Own it. Acknowledge it. Remind myself of it repeatedly. Take the right steps when it happens.
You’re all just along for the ride, that’s all.
I love my dog. But I’ve loved dogs before her that I gave up in these moments. My brain can’t be trusted to do what I want it to do right now. It can’t be assumed that I will make the right choices. I’ve already proved to myself too many times that it probably won’t.
The plan is in place and has been in place for a long time. I’m going to follow through. I’m going to do what I need to do to keep this dog because… Damn it. I love her… I love her… I love her…
Dan Pearce | Dan Pearce Was Here